I finally bought a melon today. It was the last one left. It has the perfect size. It feels cool and heavy in my arms. Comforting, like a babies head. I felt lonely and down and when I went to the store to buy chocolate, I decided today is the day.
I feel whole again. I already danced with it.
I carried it around all day today. It was exhausting, but it felt important. It feels good to carry that weight. It reminds me to take care of myself.
I bought a melon a couple of days ago. It almost looks the same as the one you gave to me before I left. It feels the same in my hands. I’ve been carrying it around since and I am already very much attached to it. I left it alone yesterday evening to go shopping for tomatoes sauce – which I forgot to buy earlier – and that already felt strange. I don’t even want to leave it in a different room. Last night I slept with it laying next to my head and in the morning the melon and my head had shaped two little nests in the bed, it seemed like we hardly moved all night. This morning I carried it in my backpack for some time, cause it seemed more practical. But it didn’t feel right. I have to carry it in my arms, with my hands. I have been holding it for so long, and it still feels so cool. That probably means it’s healthy. As long as it’s cool, its healthy. Feels odd to me, as it’s so alive in my eyes. I can almost feel the soft, warm heartbeat.
But in the end it’s just a fruit. I’m planning to eat it tomorrow for breakfast. Together with Triin. If I kill it, I at least want to share it with a person I care about. And eating it still is better, than letting it rot. I wish it would stay like this yellow bright cool, smooth, full shaped forever. But nothing is forever. Maybe our friendship can be. I’m thinking of you. Yours, Lena
I planned to eat the melon this morning, but I couldn’t. It doesn’t feel right- I told Triin and she said it’s fine. We had toast instead. Now it’s sitting next to me on the breakfast table. I somehow was looking forward to freeing myself from it, to not have to carry it around in Tallinn. I feel almost guilty saying this.
Anyway I am happy for it’s presence. I can feel my atmosphere connecting with the melon’s. We are sharing space. In the night I couldn’t sleep close to it because it felt uncomfortably cold. I also felt guilty for that, for not giving enough love. In the middle of the night I woke up, thinking it was gone and my hand reached for it and unconsciously found it under the covers. Feeling the cold, smooth surface made me feel relief and I turned around and went back to sleep.
To another melon day ahead! Hugs, Lena
Die Melone bekommt Falten. Ich fürchte ich muss sie bald essen. Heute Nacht lag sie ganz nah bei mir. Und wenn ich mich weg- gedreht habe, ist sie zu mir gerollt. Gestern Abend war ich mit ihr baden. Danach hat sie sich kurz wärmer angefühlt, ich weiß nicht ob das gut oder schlecht ist. Morgen fahren wir zurück nach Helsinki.
(The melon is getting wrinkly. I’m afraid I have to eat it soon. Tonight it lay entirely close to me. And when I turned away, it rolled closer. Yesterday evening I took a bath with it. After it felt a bit warmer than usual, I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Tomorrow we go back to Helsinki.)
It makes me so sad that the melon is slowly dying. I feel loss. It is like the moment before taking someone to the airport you real- ly care for and who you probably won’t see for a long time. And they have filled your last days with joy and purpose and now you are looking ahead to empty days. It is accompanied by a tiny sense of relief, because you get your space back and you only have to take care of yourself, but it is still overshadowed by sadness.
I want the melon to be like it was. To stay full and smooth, firm, bright and shiny. I don’t want it to change. I don’t want to eat it. I don’t want to see whats inside. I want someone else to get rid of it and then again I don’t want anyone else holding it. I need to make a decision.
I just cut and ate the melon. I feel a bit guilty, as if I did something wrong. The eating didn’t feel special. I didn’t enjoy it much – even though it is really delicious. Maybe it will feel better tomorrow for breakfast. I didn’t care anymore all of a sudden. I was even a bit grossed out. It just didn’t feel or smell that good anymore. And after my goodbye dance ritual this morning, my at- tachment was gone. I felt honestly sad while dancing, as if I was really saying goodbye. and then it felt like it was a closed case. When I took it to Taidehalli in the after noon it didn’t feel the same anymore. I feel like I abandoned someone.
Last night I hugged my pillow more than usual.
I went to the store today with a longing to buy something to hold I my arms. Nothing felt right. They didn’t have any honey me- lons. I left empty-handed, with a feeling of loss inside.